None of that happened. Why? I have no idea. It could be as simple as poor planning on my part--which is probably most of it. Not juggling finances well enough to do what I wanted to do, not juggling my time efficiently to get in those runs and feel better about myself in the process.
And then October came, and my heart was broken. All the wind (small as it was) in my sails left abruptly. Experiencing the loss of my Dad 8 years ago was devastating, but it's something else completely when you lose a sister, and one who had so many years left to live; one who was so alive when she was here. It makes no sense. I think to myself, I'm going to be 48, just like Patti, in a few years. Would I be ready to leave this life? I feel like I've just begun to know myself, do things that make me happy, and explore so many ways that can make me a better, happier soul while I'm still on this planet. I'm not anywhere near ready to go. I am not on the same life plan as Patti was, and I still have a lot to learn. So while I leave this year a bit battered, with a permanent crack in my heart, I leave it a bit wiser and more aware of my life and what I want it to be. I leave this year knowing that my sister is on the other side cheering me on, sending me lots of love and support. She's realized I'm not the strong, tough one, and that her leaving knocked me to my knees.
But I will get up. I will enjoy life again, and cherish every last moment I had with my sister--the good ones, and the bad ones. All those times Patti was such a brat when we were kids, and that last conversation we had that ended with telling each other we loved each other. She will be with me when I'm out in the sun, running by myself. She'll be with me when I'm in my yard, planting flowers and thinking of how beautiful nature can be. And she will be with me someday when Bud and I finally do take those vows. She'll be with me every time I laugh out loud and all those times I'm sitting quietly, enjoying the peace.
So I start off 2013 with a clean slate. I have plans to run a half marathon with my sister Michelle in May--her first, and my first in over a year. Both of us are starting from zero. It's exciting to think of all the work it will take to get us both in running shape. But it will be a worthy goal! And I just bought a juicer--yes, I want to drink lots of healthy juices. And Bud and I will spend time together riding our bikes and enjoying being together. And I'll continue to be an Auntie to Patti's kids, and help them when they need me. I will live a fuller life with Patti in my mind always. She will be there to kick my butt if I whine too much.
And reading--where would I be without my beloved books? This year I'm going to take the time to read what I have on my shelves while reading new books. I'm not going for quantity, but quality. Enjoying what books I have, and sharing those books with all the groups I talk to during the year.
So here's to 2013. I have no idea what the year will bring, and I do not want to even try and guess. I will wait for it to unfold.
Everyone have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Bud and I will be taking a bit of a break after Christmas. Until then, it's work everyday, frantic food prep, and lots of coffee. And probably a bit of a wee nip on Christmas Eve :)